New invention idea: vibrating tampons
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
