Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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