before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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