Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
