I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
