A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Randomize
