So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
