I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Randomize
