i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
