I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
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