does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
