Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
