I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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