I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
