just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I need a burrito and a hug.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
