I wish my penis had an off switch
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
