jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Randomize
