he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
