i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
