you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
