You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
