I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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