I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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