Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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