hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
