No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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