There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
