I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Randomize
