my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
