I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
