I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
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