Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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