just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
