I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
