I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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