I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
