Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
