I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
