i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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