I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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