My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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