Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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