I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
