I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Welp...herpes.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
