there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
