I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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