Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
