god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
