it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
