i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
