you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
