He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Randomize
